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Igor Mortis

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Head Start [May. 16th, 2004|11:51 pm]
Igor Mortis
Evening, folks. I got stuck pulling the graveyard shift tonight, so -- well, technically I suppose I always work the graveyard shift, but you know what I mean. Point is, it's late and I've been thinking about ways to make a bit more money off of the funerals.

Here's my latest idea. Maybe you've been watching the weather patterns lately, and the escalation of violence over in the Middle East. Maybe you've read the Book of Revelations, talking about the endtimes. I don't know, since I really don't know you. However, I do know that a lot of people are watching this, and have read the book, and I'm noticing a strong religious trend in funerals lately. I know, funerals are almost always religious, but that's exactly what makes it so easy to see when they're getting more religious. Usually, everyone just kind of mouths the prayers, chimes in on the "Amen"s, and so on. Lately, though, people have been...I don't know, fervent.

Anyway, here's what I'm thinking. These people are all big on the Rapture coming to take them away, which is sort of predicated on the "holier than thou" mindset, and I figure I can use this mentality to my advantage. The Rapture resurrects people, sucks them up out of the ground into heaven...but do you want to be the last one there? There've been a lot of Christians over the years. Do you really want to have the seat farthest away from God? Drop us a couple of extra bucks, and we'll put you in one of the graves closer to the front of the cemetery.

Or you could try one of our new spring-loaded coffins. Soon as you find your body restored to you, pop a lever and you'll be hurled from the grave, giving you a fifteen or twenty foot head start on the others rising around you. It might not seem like much before you get to heaven, but once you start the single-file line through the pearly gates, it could turn out to be the difference between Row A and Row ZZ Plural Z Alpha.

I think it's got potential, and it's no worse than any of the other bells and whistles we already tack onto funerals. I mean, big flower wreaths? What does that say? Sorry you're dead, I killed some flowers so you'd feel less alone? Come on, now.
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The Wave of the Future [Apr. 20th, 2004|11:13 am]
Igor Mortis
[mood |annoyedfatalistic]

I see cloning as being a very bad thing for those of us in the funereal business. At first glance, it doesn't seem like it would affect us at all; whether people are born or created, they still die all the same. Here's the thing, though: as soon as people start getting cloned, there's going to be a "Zero Population Growth" backlash from all of the people who are afraid we're going to overpopulate the world. Fewer people being born means fewer people dying, and clones raised in laboratories will probably be on some sort of scientific regimen so that they stay healthy; none of this childhood obesity that leads to diabetes and heart problems and other causes of early death.

And as if people living longer isn't bad enough, I'm envisioning a scenario where a clone comes to the graveyard and demands to be buried in his plot. Never mind that his old body is buried there; this body is identical, and should therefore be considered an extension of the old body, he'll claim. If someone loses an arm or a leg, we bury that for them, then bury the rest of the body later in the same plot; the clones'll start trying to use this loophole to avoid buying separate burial plots. It'll be a major paperwork headache whether they win or lose. I'm not looking forward to it; I think if one approaches me with this issue, I'll just shoot him in the head and bury him in the woods behind the cemetery. It'll save trouble in the long run.
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Back from the Dead [Apr. 15th, 2004|06:46 pm]
Igor Mortis
Sorry about the long absence. Tax season's always a busy time here at the mortuary. Heart attacks, strokes, fatal pen stab wounds -- you name it, we've got someone who died from it. Other than that, there's not a whole lot to report around here, as I haven't had much time to sit down and work on my schematics for anything.

I did have another idea for something to do with the body after death, though: ether snow globes. Cut off a hand or a foot, or even the head, and encase it in a globe of ether to keep it preserved. Add in some of those fake snowflakes and a decorative base, and voila! A centerpiece sure to draw all eyes to it. You could pose it however you wanted and have it fixed to the base, so the flakes would just swirl around it. You could even have it decorated; this would work especially well with the hands, which could be posed to look like any number of things and then dressed up to complete the effect. I think that spiders and gruesome trees would be especially popular among the sort of people who'd want to have something like this around their houses. In fact, that could be one of the standard packages: a graveyard snow globe, with the hand as a looming tree in the middle. I think that would be fantastic! I'd buy one.

For the obscenely rich weird people, there could be a cryogenic version of the snow globe. It would require a large piece of machinery, but that could be set into the floor or hidden behind a tasteful screen. The body of the cryogenically frozen person would sit in the center, and at the push of a button, an internal fan would stir up the snowflakes, causing them to land in humorous drifts on the body. I say, as long as you're going to be out of commission for however many years until they find a cure for what ails you, you might as well make yourself useful! Or at least amusing.
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Body Disposal [Mar. 29th, 2004|08:29 am]
Igor Mortis
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I was thinking the other day that we need some more creative methods of body disposal. The old standbys of burial or cremation are all well and good, but it just feels like we need something more these days. There are definitely some people taking steps in the right directions; there's LifeGem, where you can get your dead person made into a lovely diamond, and there's the one where you can get the ashes mixed into an artificial reef starter, but these still both depend on cremation as the starting point. I think we ought to go for some entirely new ideas.

Stuffing, for example, is one that I feel is too often overlooked. Taxidermy is easy and painless, assuming the subject starts out dead, and you're left with a beautiful memento. Wouldn't it be great to go to yardsales and be able to buy some dusty dead person to hold your hats and coats?

We could always revive mummification, too, although the main selling point of that one is really the eternal curse upon those who disturb your grave. I'm not really sure how to bind that one into the body, myself -- maybe it comes with the chemicals? I'd have to look into that.

I've come up with a brand new idea, too -- liquefaction. Basically, you put the corpse in an industrial-sized blender, and mix it all up. The grieving family could then do whatever they wanted with the resulting mixture; there's burial, of course, but I'm thinking stuff like lava lamps. You should be able to make at least half a dozen out of one body, so several branches of the extended family could have their own. It could be called the "Afterlife LightTM." A bit gruesome, maybe, but the swirling patterns are absolutely beautiful!

...Not that I've been conducting any unauthorized experiments on the John Does. I'm just hypothesizing that they'd be beautiful, is all.
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A Modern-Day Gravedigger [Mar. 23rd, 2004|03:38 pm]
Igor Mortis
[mood |happyhappy]

Being a modern-day gravedigger isn't all you might hope; the modern medicine and digging machines tend to leave one with rather a lot of time on one's hands, actually. On the bright side, this gives me plenty of time to work on my hobbies, which include cooking, sewing, and developing machines to revolutionize the gravedigging industry. I'll be putting some of my ideas in here for thoughts and feedback.

Here's one of my favorites so far: a Rube Goldberg burial service. Rube Goldberg himself has been dead for almost 24 years, but that's no reason why someone else couldn't have this. I mean, picture it:

The hearse (A) pulls into the graveyard, where it drives over the tail of a sleeping black cat (B). The cat yowls loudly, awakening the ghosts (C), which swoop out of their graves and are caught by the ghost trap (D). The power surge needed to activate the ghost trap drains the battery (E), causing the needle on the dial (F) to drop. It pricks the balloon (G), which deflates and sinks, dragging the match attached to it (H) down the trunk of the tree (I), igniting the match. The match lands on the end of the fuse (J) extending from the hearse, which burns down, triggering the cannon inside (K) which launches the casket (L) out of the hearse and into the tarp-covered grave (M). The casket hits the tarp and falls into the grave, pulling the tarp and the loads of dirt (N) after it, filling the grave.
It's brilliant, no? I've already got it written into my will that this is how I want to be buried; I drew the diagrams and everything. I'll post them when I get a chance.
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